Overwhelmed, Insecure, & Fully Loved

 

In some ways this has been the most mixed week since I arrived. 

Last weekend I found out that a dear couple from my home Church was battling covid. It was a heavy burden that I carried into Monday. 

Also over the weekend I said something that hurt one of my friends and was dealing with feeling like a failure. 

That coupled with a new week of teaching, feeling like I didn't get much done over the weekend, some other hard things thrown into the mix and I was overwhelmed. I felt like I couldn't even process through one thing before something else would hit me. 

On Monday nights we have class worship in the evening. As they started singing I felt awful. I couldn't sing because I was so overwhelmed by what was going on. I couldn't even stand up. In the middle of my overwhelmed brain, God spoke. "Go over to a staff member and ask for prayer." After a moments hesitation I crawled over and asked a staff member for prayer. She prayed for me and by the end of it I was crying in her arms. She asked me what was wrong. I shared what was going on and that I felt overwhelmed. Her advice to me was simple. Go find a corner and cry with Jesus. Don't try to do anything else. Just cry. I did. As I did, I knew that Jesus was holding me and comforting me. He also sent four classmates and another staff member to hug me, pray with me, hold me, and remind me of how loved I am. By the end of the night I realized that I had been trying to deal with all these waves in my own strength instead of relying on the Lord. I repented and He not only forgave me, but sent people to encourage me. He does indeed restore my soul. 

The next few days God kept reminding me of the importance of spending time with Him and processing what I'm going through with Jesus first. I realized that I had allowed myself to get caught up in doing activities and spending time with friends (not bad things), but hadn't taken the time just to be with Jesus. Over the last few days I've been purposefully spending time with Jesus and processing things that have been happening. It's made all the difference in the world leaning on His arm and getting His perspective on what's going on. 

One of the things that God helped me gain His perspective on was my friendships. Tuesday and Wednesday I was struggling with fear and insecurity in my friendships here. I began to fear that I would do something that would make my new friends here leave me. I reached out to my school leader with this question about insecurity. He encouraged me to go God and ask Him for an answer. I did. Here's what God said. "If you are insecure in your relationship with Me, you will be insecure in all of your relationships. The more secure you are in My love, the more secure you will be in your friendships." Here again was another reminder of the importance of going to God first and resting in His love. As I stepped into the light of His love, the fear melted away. Yes, some of my friends might walk away, but in that day I have One who will never leave. He will help me to keep opening up and keep loving those around me, but it all starts with loving Him first. 

This week's teaching has been Bibical overview. I've so enjoyed it. Even though I've read the Bible through multiple times and done lots of Bible study, I found out some things I didn't know. Like maybe the reason satan came in the form of a serpent is because that was Eve's favorite animal and that the two great gods of Nineveh were the god of the sea and the god of the great sea creatures. Even more than this, mediating on our kind, long suffering, gracious God was the best part of the week. I came away reminded of how good God really is and how much He cares about having a relationship with us. Wow! 

Ultimately this week even though mixed has been so good. I'm learning to lean more fully on God and trust His plan and that I don't have to figure out everything all at once. The knowledge that I'm fully loved in Him is giving me so much rest amidst everything that's going on. It gives me the confidence to keep pressing ahead in the process and receive the love of those around me. 

Fully loved, Rose